I have a problem ......

technically, I have a few problems but one has been on my mind today.  Or at least I see it as a problem.  And I'm pretty sure that my continued thought about it has contributed to my stellar mood and argumentativeness today. 

On New Years Eve 2009, I had a few drinks.  Actually quite a few drinks....if I'm gonna be honest.  It is always quite a few drinks.  Not "fruity".  Not "girlie".  Not wine.  Not champagne.  But my buddy Jack Daniels.  Along with his buddy Coke.  Doubles to be exact.  And when they weren't doubles, well, they were ordered two at a time. 

I don't remember the number that evening as it was years ago.  But on that night I realized that I may just be a binge drinker.  During 2009, I had a few occasions over a three or four month period that I had consumed a good deal of alcohol.  Going from drinking nothing to maybe a 1/2 bottle of Jack Daniels or twelve plus beer.  I thought about it.  Alcoholism pretty much runs in my family. 

And just because one is able to drink larger quantities of alcohol without ramifications ... exp.  headaches, vomiting, or just general hangovers ... doesn't mean one should.  I was still doing damage to my body. 

BEFORE I GO ON ..... I want it to be clearly known that I NEVER drank/drink in front of my children or when they have been in my care.  Nor have I gotten behind the wheel of a motor vehicle.  That is the honest to goodness truth.  Pinkie swear! 

I told my husband on New Years Day 2010 about how it bothered me.  He said that he understood.  I really think he just thought I was crazy but was "going with the flow".  I told him there would not be another alcoholic beverage pass my lips until New Years Day 2011.  He laughed and said "Good Luck.  I know you'll do it."  The year came and went.  No alcohol passed my lips.  You know what?  I didn't mind it.  Functions were still fun.  Parties were still fun. 

I decided to carry it over into 2011.  While on vacation that year, I did purchase one of those frozen strawberry daiquiris to have on the beach.  It just sounded "beachy".  My hubby mentioned that he had never seen me consume a daiquiri before.  I couldn't remember the last time I had.  Seriously.  It was wonderful and really only tasted like strawberries.  And life went on. 

Time came and went.  And there were no drinks.  I don't know why someone feels compelled to drink.  Or should I say .. why I feel compelled to drink at certain settings.  Normally at parties.  Just adults. 

Last night, I attended a Halloween party.  My hubby didn't plan to drink more than two and all I can do is believe him when he says that he didn't.  I told him to purchase a few Bud Lights in bottles.  Told him maybe I'll have one or two.  He came out with a twelve pack....smallest that they had.  Didn't really matter.  I can have just one or two. 

I opened one.  My old friend.  My party compatriot.  My buddy.  I consumed ten or eleven of them.  Along with one of my friends Michelob Ultras .. don't know if the name is right and it really doesn't matter.  Along with one cinnamon vodka soaked gummy worm. 

Was I louder than normal?  Yes.  Honestly, I was still me.  And I remember each conversation.  Some of the oddball things that came out of my mouth.  Talking about breasts, sex toy parties, pool, houses, locations, and life.  I know there was a wide range of topics!  This morning .. there was not one speck of a headache.  Queasy stomach.  Or any other hangover symptoms. 

This bothers me.  Why can't I drink one?  Maybe two?  Why does it seem to always go "over the top".  To me it is an issue.  And I've live in a world where if something bothers you or is an issue in your mind then it needs to be dealt with.  I need to deal with this.  It scares me.  I feel kinda "dumb" or "stupid" writing about this.  Kinda like people are going to deal with me differently for some reason.  Or judge me.  I've been judged for far less. 

I'm writing about it because I don't know what to do.  I know I'm not alone.  Today there was another vow.  I will not drink again.  I will drink again until I understand myself.  Until I understand why I do what I do.  That may mean that I never consume another alcoholic beverage.  And you know what?  That is just fine. 

I have some soul searching to do.  I have some insight to gain.  I have some understanding to get to. 
I just want my readers to know that we all have "issues".  And that if you happen to share this issue....guess what!  You are not alone.  And for those in my every day life .. I'm still me.  The same "loveable" pain in the a@@.  You just know something about me that you didn't before.