I know most of us suffer from clothing frustration. Sometimes it just drives me crazy! Now before I start it should be noted that I can be pretty open and honest about things. This will be one of them. So unless you are willing to deal with the good, bad, and ugly mental pictures that will form while reading ... I would back away from todays post! I'm gonna be honest and open.
Over the past several years, I have worked hard to change my mind, body, and spirit. Working my butt off! Literally and figuratively to be quite honest. I have always been a "big girl". Now everyone has there own definition of "big girl". To me it is not fat. Not overweight. Not chubby. To me it is just my build. I am not a lady with a small frame. Hourglass figure. Thin fingers. Slim legs. Proportioned chest. And the list could go on. I have always said "I rock the rectangle"!
I've always had broad shoulders. Large frame. Heavy strong legs. No defined waist. Flat chest. And as some have said "big boned". Never quite understood that term. But hey, it made them feel good. I accept my body. I love my shoulders. They are a hanger for my world. My chest is my chest. Let's just say many of my family members were blessed more than me. My frame is my frame. It comes from a blending of the Julia/Kuhar and Dallas/Grimm genes. It is what I was meant to have. My body is what I was meant to have. It is my house. My only house. It is my job to take care of it.
But having nice "window dressing" is always good. I've always struggled to find nice "window dressing" for my house. One would have thought slowly transforming their body would have made the search easier. NOT SO MUCH! I live in a family where "ample bosoms" are somewhat prevalent. We are talking D's and up. I maxed out at a B-. Some what of an underachiever .. I guess. LOL! It honestly never bothered me. I have what I was meant to have. Then when I was pregnant all my friends would talk about how big they got. Growing from B to C or A to D. I didn' grow a centimeter. Literally! No biggie! What I am supposed to have! After having both of my children and breastfeeding. Who knew those little suckers could head south so quickly?!
Seriously! I have friends who refer to their girls as "fun bags"..... never felt the need to name mine anything. But if I had to they would have been "sandwich bags of fun". When I started my journey, I was a B-. I went for a professional bra fitting. And there were times a good quality B could fit like a glove. I found my brand. Warner. Loved one particular style. It was for me. Oh, I should mention that my band with was a 40. Most makers think if your bandwidth is 40 that you don't wear a B. Only women with "fun bags" wear 40 or up bandwidths.
Over the years, I have worked hard to change and shape my body. I have worked hard to get my body healthy. I am working hard to get my body in shape. Well with all that work comes changes. And just like everyone else .. changes come from the places you need least first. Over the past year, with all the chest work, running, Body Pump, and now Crossfit type workout ... well ... my chest has all but disappeared. For months, I have worn a compression garment over my bra to make it fit. I can literally place my fist in my bra cup while wearing it and you can't tell. Well other than seeing my arm up my shirt! LOL And I wear a sports bra quite often just because it fits. SAD!
I decided Friday that this was the day. I didn't want to go out for a bra fitting just yet. That will come after the holidays. But my thought was that each month I take measurements and my bandwidth has went down. So, maybe I can find something for the next month to tide me over. I ventured out to our local shopping area. There is a WalMart, KMart, and JCPenneys. My thought was between them maybe I would find something tolerable. I went in knowing that I needed to focus on the "best grade there is"! An A. Yes, at 40 years old .... I am back to an A cup. WTH! WalMart was up in the first slot! To my dismay .. they do not carry any undergarments in a 38A. Only "fun bag" woman wear 38 band width and up! Off to Kmart! Exact same story. Off to JCPenneys!
Last hope! I looked. I searched. I found on the clearance rack on lonely WHITE 38A! $10.00. I snatched that baby up and ran to the fitting room. I stood there in disbelief that 1. they had a 38A and 2. that I was excited to try on a 38A. I removed my support top and bra. And quickly tried it on. Can I ask a question? Be honest? Have you ever literally cried real tears in a dressing room? I did. I did because .. well .. the A was too big. I stood there looking at myself in the mirror. Looking at my shoulders. Arms. Stomach. Chest. All showing the beginnings of definition from my many months and countless hours of work. I looked at my chest and saw my pectoral muscles. Yes, you can see them. Watching them ripple and move as I moved my arms. Thinking about my kids asking me to do the "pec pop of love".
I realized that this was my body. There in that mirror. Was my well rounded shoulders. My ever changing arms. My "flattening" stomach. And right there smack dab in the middle is what remains of my breasts. Tracing my hand down from my collar bone. Over the muscle. Into the indentation after it. And then down to the .. what can only be described in my mind as 1/2 cup of breast that is hanging on each side of my chest. Amounting to no more than a deflated snack bag with a nipple on the end. I cried tears. Real heart felt tears. As I am right now. Here I stand as a 40 year old
woman .. 39 till May .. thinking about trying to find a training bra to wear. Are you kidding me?
I wiped my tears. Cleaned myself up. Dressed. Left the dressing room. And headed to the register. It may have been big but not nearly as big as my B's. I brought it home. I got it out. I looked in the mirror. My hubby knew something was up. I put on my new A bra that is too big....I did try on another brand and yes an A cup is too big. I looked at him and proclaimed that this is my body. These are my sad pathetic little breasts. They have nursed our two children. They have shriveled and all but disappeared. As I stood there in the mirror .. I realized something. I have ever right to hate them.
I accept my body for what it is. But I do not have to love every single aspect of it. There are those that I follow that preach about accepting each and every single figure flaw and loving your body. Just because I hate my breasts doesn't mean I hate my body. I love my body! If I didn't I wouldn't do all the "maintenance" that I do! I looked at my husband and cried again. I told him that it is a sad day when you realize finding a bra is hard. And that I can only imagine what trying to find a training bra or 38 A-- for a 40 year old is gonna be like.
Anyone know where I can get a good training bra? Seriously..........................................
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete