I need......

Good evening!  Well it has been almost a week since I was last in "blog world".  Been pretty standard around here.  You know the every day "stay-at-home" mom thing.  Trust me that isn't going to excite anyone!  I actually live Groundhogs' Day on many levels.  I've been struggling a little.  Some of you may remember my Pityville visit.  Not to worry.  I'm not back there.  But do believe that I'm fully realizing why I was there.  Over the past week, I've struggled with workouts.  That normal 5 am ... became 5:15 am ... became 5:30 am ... became 5:45 am ... became 6 am.  You see where this is going, right?  Next thing I know I'm waking the kids up at 7 am in my jammies.  NOT WHAT I LIKE!  Beginning to think my "subconscious" is fighting the routine.  Heck, I thought that sounded good!  I've hit the FEBRUARY BLAHS.

I love my boyfriend and those workouts.  I can still change them up.  Adding more weights and going harder.  But the running ... UGH!  I need to get over this some what irrational fear of running outside alone.  So, if you live in this neck o' the woods, when you see that crazy person running on the main road just know it is me!  And please remember if you hit me ... make sure none of my clothing is stuck in your grill, on your side bumper, or anywhere else because I will track you down. 

And on the food front .... and the ax drops!  I'm not "crapping" it up.  Don't worry!  You aren't going to read that I'm eating a hot dog, Doritos, and boxed macaroni and cheese.  BUT there has been no calorie counting, weighing measuring, etc.  I eat healthy.  I understand that.  But in the past couple  weeks, I've found myself having an internal fight about food.  The more I try to weigh, measure, and count ... the more I either don't want to eat or the more I eat the "junky" healthy foods I have here.  Now, I don't want anyone to think that I care what the number says.  I actually only weighed myself four times last year.  And don't really like weighing myself once a month for my "What can a year do?"  I get that 80% of health & fitness is in the kitchen.  And I struggle with that 80%!  I want to get rid of fat.  I have muscle.  I have muscles.  I want others to see them.  Honestly, I want to see them more! 

Here is a "junky" food in my house .......

Snikiddy snacks.  We highly recommend them.  No corn syrup.  Gluten & Wheat free.  No hydrogenated oils.  No trans fat.  No preservatives.  Low in saturated fat.  Now don't they sound lovely?  Kinda like styrofoam balls.  No really.  They are excellent!  These are Mac n' Cheese puffs.  The kids love them.  I like the baked fry snacks.  Now as far as "junky" foods go ... it could be worse.  Oh, I do have those homemade granola bars here also.  Both crunchy and chewy ones.  God, I need to stop! 

Because I sit here looking in the mirror not liking what I'm seeing.  I can tell a difference in a month.  The scale doesn't show one.  But my eyes see it.  Using a race analogy .... I've always had this tendency to be heading for the finish line then stop.  Slide back.  Get almost there.  Slide back.  Get almost there.  Like I am afraid to let myself get there.  Like I don't think I'm worthy of crossing that line.  I don't know it is just something ingrained in me.  Something there.  Something that I need to deal with. Something that I need to conquer.  I need some help............................................

Got anything for me?